Bloody Leak

After a lovely, but cold, day, I got home to my husband saying that the washing machine had leaked and flooded our hallway. Our carpeted hallway.

Typical really, on New Years Day. Management Agents office is shut. I’ve emailed and left voicemails. Chances are at the earliest they’ll call back tomorrow. Or Monday.

So of course, we are trying to do the best we can to dry out the carpets. The fan has been going for a good 3 hours now. I’ve used towels to soak up the excess, and some microfibres cloths too. Which are a lot quicker to dry than towels.

When, BAM, an idea. A real eureka moment. Until the husband came into the hallway, with an amused “WTF” expression on his face.

There I was, laying a floor of Always Ultra Night time pads. On the carpet. To help soak up the water.


It’s not like I can use them, they’ve been sat unused in the bathroom for over 18 months (thanks allergens!) and the packs were opened, so not like I could donate them. Made sense.

They work like a charm! 


Makes me wonder what else I can use them for……

Why Spelling Is Important

Looking for insurance is frustrating and sometimes confusing and in some cases, like tonight, funny as hell!

We’re moving, and as such, need to sort out home contents insurance. Easiest way to find the best insurance for our needs, is a comparison site (with or without meerkats)

You fill in the form, wait a few minutes and BOOM, it tells you the best insurance for your needs.

Its looking likely that we will go with Admiral, however before I do, I need to contact them to check what they mean on part of the cover they offer as standard.







Do they mean sanitary products, like tampons, pads, mooncups, cloth sanitary napkins and the like?

Or do they mean this?



Logic is telling me that they mean sanitary WARE, as in bathroom fixtures. However that’s not what they’ve put.

Insurance can be tricky too…
What happens if I accidentally break the bathroom sink and they then come back to me and say, “No Mrs Flams, by sanitary wear we mean products that catch your menstrual flow each month”

That said, if they don’t correct the spelling of this term, then each month I could totally claim for my cloth sanitary pads, and use the insurance pay out to buy brand new ones!

Inappropriate Laughing

Do you ever get moments where you cannot stop laughing at something that it’s pretty much, completely and totally inappropriate?

Almost like when you’re in an assembly at school, or, a church service, and something happens and you have to force yourself not to laugh, but it becomes so difficult that it’s even funnier and the circle of vicious inappropriate laughing gets out of control?

A bit like when you’re in a yoga class for the first time, and everyone is serious, and doing their downward dogs or rising cats or whatever, and someone let’s out a squeaky fart, and it’s deathly quiet whilst the yoga instructor is all “remember to concentrate on your breathing” and you just want to laugh because, someone FARTED, but you can’t laugh because everyone’s being so serious.

Well that happened today, sort of, except I was on my own, and a friend text to say her mum was made redundant, and I was like “OMG.” Thinking that my friends mother had passed away suddenly, then realised that no one would use the term redundant to say a loved one had died, and that they probably just meant, redundant from their job. Then I laughed.
And it just seemed even more ridiculous and absurd, so I couldn’t stop laughing.
Not just ridiculous and absurd, but also weird, because I’m on my own, and laughing to myself, like some sort of lunatic on drugs with an imaginary comedian friend.

But at-least my friends mother didn’t suddenly die. Hope she finds a new job soon though.

Waddling & Imagination

At 22 weeks tomorrow, I feel like a waddling duck. Still 18 weeks to go and that means more room for growing. Which alarms me slightly, as I already feel huge! Apparently there’s room for improvement, so says my developing child.

Today, when I logged on to my Online Pregnancy Support group and saw this photo (courtesy of Louise Prouse) I couldn’t help but laugh.


Clearly a very pregnant lady, who is so flexible and fit that she can bend over and touch the floor with her hands, whilst supporting an impressive bump. (I also laughed at the article cleverly placed next to her bottom) hey! I never said I was mature…

So, dear readers I want to share a secret with you all, not only can I do that impressive move but I can also do the following;

~ fart and produce copious amounts of glitter into my underpants
~ turn flour into fairy dust
~ clap my hands and produce tiny rainbows which when planted at the bottom of your garden grows a pot of gold
~ tame wild unicorns with lumps of sugar

Ok, ok, so you’re right, I can’t do any of that. I simply imagine I can, whilst waddling along and trying to delicately hoist myself out of any chair I manage to sit in.

Imagination people, it counts.

Julius Frank – Velociraptor Train Driver

Julius Frank sat in his depot, waiting for the hands on the clock to tick over. Shortly he’d be driving the Reading to Waterloo train, and he was slightly upset as he’d had no breakfast. He was also upset because his week wasn’t going to plan. Everyone in the depot was a bit wary of Julius, he liked it most of the time, as he was a solitary soul; being a train driver suited him. But it was a bit annoying when he walked into the depot and the other drivers went quiet, no one even included him in the banter. For some reason they were all scared of him, expect the revenue staff, because he seemed to make their jobs that much easier. Even some of his regulars were scared of him, and it did make them very polite.

His week hadn’t been going well at all, only yesterday he’d been called into the office; his Driver Manager said to him “Julius, how many times do we have to tell you, we use the Revenue Staff to fine fare evaders, you must stop eating them! Whilst revenue is up on the Reading to Waterloo line, passenger numbers are down. At this point we may have to make some of the current Revenue staff redundant if you keep snacking on their workload”

As Julius left the office he heard his Driver Manager mutter “Who’s bright idea was it to give a bloody velociraptor a job here.”

The clock ticked over, and it was time to wander down to his specially adapted train. Having had no breakfast, he sincerely hoped that any fare evaders kept away so that he didn’t have to eat them. A disciplinary would not be a good thing, especially since he’d take a chunk out of his last union rep and Bob Crow had revoked his membership. Julius wondered how Mr Crow would taste as he climbed into the cab.

A joke

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,

“What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”

“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the Ol’ Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do

‘something sexy to a tractor’.”

[Don’t make me have ta splain this to you!]

tonight i’m a spreader

well Kerry took me out for dessert this evening, to the O2.
We got there, went to Frankie and Bennys had something to eat and then went home.

when Kare and I are together, we do have a good time, often ending in stitches of laughter (which is good for the heart) and the laughter never stops.

On the way back to the car park, we walked past this little red car where a girl was sitting on the drivers lap and they were full frontal snogging, it looked like she was totally eating his face. Kare and I had a bit of a girly giggle and went back to her car.

We got into the car, and I though it would be funny to do something as we drove past them in the car to get out of the car park. so the conversation went a little something like this.

Me: Ooh, we should roll the window down and play “like a virgin really loudly as we drive past!” (Kare had Madonna in the cd player)
Kare – ha ha yeah that’d be funny.

so we put on track 4, and Kare rolls her window down, and we stop at the corner by their car, and as the beats start to go into “like a virgin!” Kare turns the car out, and says “don’t look, you’ll make it obvious”, so what do I do, I don’t look, BUT I put my right hand next to my eyes and I’m shaking with laughter, as we’re stopped by this car, with “Like a Virgin” playing really loudly next to them. the girl stops eating the guys face, and they both look at as, as does the crowd and I’m shaking with laughter, and Kare is laughing too, and then we drive off, in fits of giggles.

it was hilarious. I think I nearly wet myself.

Then as we pull out of the car park, there is a massive truck in front of us, with these massive bright words scrawled across the back saying “spreader” so I tried to get a picture, but the lights then went green and my camera wasn’t quite ready. Kare wanted to know what he was “spreading” so she gets up close, and we see he is spraying some sort of grit on the roads, perhaps so they don’t ice over or something, and what does she do, open the windows! the big truck is on my side of the road and rocks are being sprayed into the car, thankfully not hitting me, 1 hit Kare…i think. so we laughed again.

eventually I got home (obviously as I am writing this) and now it’s time for bed.

I love that chick. she’s too funny for words.