Fatal Effects

This evening someone felt the need to end their life. Underneath the wheels of a train.
I don’t know what was happening in that persons life that made them feel like there was no other option but suicide, but whatever it was, it causes my heart to ache.
I understand depression all too well. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing the battle, sometimes I feel like I’ve conquered it, but mostly I feel like I’m doing ok. I’m very lucky to have a very supportive husband and doctor, unfortunately that’s not the case for some people.
But this post isn’t about that.

Tonight someone in my twitter feed asked this question.

 

 

 

Majority of people (myself included) responded. The common answer from everyone that responded was pretty much this – “No, it’s disrespectful

I REALLY do not understand WHY someone would do such a thing. Normally when an incident such as this occurs there are a lot of unhappy people because they have been delayed through no fault of their own. Some people are so unhappy that they tweet things like this;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have purposefully removed the user names from these tweets, although really I should have left them in and let you all descend on them like a pack of rabid wolves with a deer carcass, for obvious reasons.

Why? Are these people really that selfish and uncompassionate? Whatever happened to being empathetic?

I’m issuing you a challenge. The next time your train is delayed because of a fatality, before you complain about being delayed, or having to be squashed on to a train, or not having a seat, or being stuck on a train or for whatever reason, THINK.

Think about that person being your mother, father, sister, brother, child, best friend. Think about the people who were minding their own business and then witnessing something such as that. Think about the driver of that train, think about what he or she see’s when that person jumps or falls and is killed. Think about the fact that someone, somewhere will shortly be opening the door to two police officers asking if they can “come in” and then being told that their loved one has been killed.

Just for 1 minute THINK. Just for 1 minute of YOUR life have some COMPASSION for a fellow human being who has just DIED.

Suicide doesn’t just affect your journey home or your journey to meet friends for a night out. Look at the bigger picture. It affects the driver of that train. It affects the people who witnessed it. It affects the police officers and the emergency services workers who have to attend the scene. It affects that persons friends and family and co-workers.

I’m going to leave you with a story, told to me by a friend, who just so happens to be a train driver.

One day he was driving his train when all of a sudden there was a huge bang and a sudden splatter of blood on his windscreen. He hadn’t been driving trains on his own all that long and his heart hammered away in his throat for a millesecond before he realised he had hit a pigeon and that was what had exploded on the front of his train.

A pigeon weighs approximately 1lb. An adult human being weighs between 130lbs and 220 lbs (on average). Now image what would happen if you threw something of that weight in front of a moving train.

The next time you’re delayed because someone didn’t think they had any other option in life but to die under a train, think of that story.

 

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please do not think there isn’t another option. There is. It may not seem like there is help out there or that there are people willing to help, to listen or to lend a hand, but there is. Please get in touch with the Samaritans or with Mind. Please don’t end your life. There are people in this world who care.

 

 

Bazinga!

You know that moment when you’ve been having a great time, you’ve been happy and it seems as though you’ve got a handle on your depression, so much that you say to your husband “next time I see the doctor for my meds review I’m going to ask to reduce my dosage” and then the next day your depression comes back and Sheldon Coopers you by saying “bazinga!” and does that funny little laugh?

Yeah. That.

Numbers

Depression isn’t rational.
My emotions and feelings during my depressive episodes aren’t rational.

There are times when I want to talk, when I want to share my irrational emotions but I can’t. I physically cannot find the words or my voice. It just disappears.

I have a number. Or rather, I HAD a number. It was given to me, to call. A referral as such. I held on to it, not quite comfortable to use it.

After a long and honest conversation with my sister-in-law, I got home and decided that I did, in fact, have the words. They may not have made complete sense, but they were there. I’d found my voice, my strength.

I went to get the number and I couldn’t find it. I looked every where. It was gone.

I was panicky and devastated. And no I’m not exaggerating. I fought back the urge to cry whilst I frantically searched for this number before my courage and strength deserted me.

Some people are able to talk openly about their mental health issues. I’m not one of those people. For me it’s hard. Really hard. Whilst I know that my doctor, my husband, my family and friends would never judge me, that irrational worry, that irrational fear is there. It whispers in its ugly deformed voice into my head. My strength and courage desert me. I’m left alone with my thoughts and doubts and fears and worries.

I couldn’t find the number. The tears won. I put on my pyjamas and took myself to bed and cried. Defeated again.

Oh Depression how I hate you with such a passion!!!

Then my husband called. He gave me a verbal shake. I needed it.

He forced me out of bed. He forced me to make sure I ate dinner (even if it was pizza) and he forced me to watch some tv. He made me promise to go back to my referral tomorrow and get the number again.

He pushed me to stand and fight against my depression. He pushed me to win.

I won’t lose.

I can’t lose.

I refuse to lose.

For me, getting that number is a big step. I’m not sure whether I will be able to run once I get it, but I’m going to try.

I won’t lose.

I want to win.

Strong

Sometimes you experience moments that bring out a range of emotions. Anger, sadness, disbelief, rage, pity, upset, etc.
Something happens that makes you so angry that you cry in frustration. Or that you cry because it’s hurtful. Or you just cry because you’ve no other emotion left to feel.

There have been many of these moments in my life. Moments where I despaired, cried, raged, ranted in anger, expressed disbelief, or shook my head in pity, and even all done each one within a 15 minute timeframe!

Life is hard sometimes, but I’ve learnt that I am stronger than I think I am and indeed stronger than other people think I am.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

This is one of my favourite quotes and to be honest it’s easier said than done. I’ve come across it so many times, but most memorable is from Joe in The Princess Diaries movie. Joe is a wise man, that said, so is Eleanor Roosevelt (a wise woman that is!).

Whilst searching for that quote, I came across this one. Another quote by Eleanor Roosevelt.

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

My point is that I’m not going to let these emotions rule me. I refuse to let people create these types of emotions in me. I am strong. I will be strong.

My kettle has boiled and I’m pouring the tea. I refuse to be weak. I refuse to be an inferior.

I am strong. I am successful.

I am me.

Refusing to Drown

For the last few weeks my depression has been up and down. Yeah, I said it, depression. I have it and it truly sucks.

For the last month my doctor has increased my meds, in fact it’s coming up to 6 weeks now and I feel no difference.

The last week or so I’ve been a bundle of emotions, and the stress hasn’t helped either. Stress from all angles.

I feel like I’m trying to hold on to about 12 wriggling kittens. I have to keep picking them up and bringing them back. No sooner have I retrieved one, another as escaped. 12 different events, emotions, feelings.

Everything is bubbling to the surface and I’m trying to keep it from flowing over, clawing back, trying to hold it all in a container that just isn’t big enough.

There are days where I want to scream. There are days when I want to lash out and really have a good punching session with a heavy bag.
There are days where everything is funny and amusing.
There are days where I feel constantly sad and emotional and everything makes me want to cry.
There are days where I feel numb.
Days. And days. And days.

Some people have the luxury of having regular therapy sessions. I don’t have that luxury, and to be fair there are very few people that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about my emotions and issues.

In fact only recently have I really opened up to my Doctor. Hence the med changes.

I need to pull it together. I need to stop being sad. I want to stop being sad. I have to stop being sad.

The sadness is drowning me. I don’t want to drown.

Depression isn’t going to win. I refuse to let it.

Todays Headlines

Today seems to be driving me up the wall.I think finally everything is catching up on me and finally breaking me down.I cannot wait until I go on Holiday on the 10th.I think it’ll be a break I really will need.And when I get back I only have to endure guests for another 2-3 days before I can get some peace and quiet again.

I’ve had no personal space since February. And going to Daniel’s at the weekends technically doesn’t count.To be honest I think the only time I’ve had to myself is when I’m in the bathroom, and there is only so many times you can hide out in the bathroom before someone starts to ask why you keep going in there.

Since February I’ve been sharing a room with my cousin from Cayman.She decided she wanted to come over here to live and join the army, what not.Now she’s decided to go back home on the 11th of June.

It’s really hard getting to grips with sharing my space with another girl.Before I used to be able to go home, put on my pj’s and laze around, do whatever I like, not have to speak to anyone etc.Now, although I can laze around, it’s different. And it’s slowly been driving me up the wall. And I’m afraid to say last night pushed me right over the edge.

I got in late, as I went out with Kerry, and mum was asking me where I went, how my evening was etc, and I said I’d been to see Sex and the City, and I got called a bitch for it.And yeah it may have been in jest, but sill.I’m entitled to go and watch a film with my best friend if I want to, and I shouldn’t have to be made to feel guilty for it.I decided that after quite a long evening, I needed some sleep and she was watching a programme called Caribbean Cops (like Cops, but in the Caribbean) and one of the British tourists was being interviewed and her comment was that the Caribbean was much better than boring old London, to which my cousin exclaimed “hear hear that’s right”

And that really ticked me off.If you don’t like it here, then FUCK OFF.No one is forcing you to stay.

It really bugs me that people from different parts of the world can come to the UK and then complain that it’s not like their own country.Of course it’s not you dickwad, it’s it’s own country with it’s own style, so it’s very unlikely it’s going to be like a small town poxy island that half the world has never heard of and doesn’t even show properly on a map.

Sadly the Cayman Islands are nothing like London.They both have pro’s and cons, like anywhere else in the world.

Cayman – you have sun, sand, and sea.It’s not frowned upon if you get up and laze on the beach all day and drink yourself into a frenzy, you’re on holiday after all.The locals only have the option of partying and going to the “305” (Miami to those who don’t live on the “rock”) the Island is so small, that after living in London I don’t see how I could ever be on the Island for more than 2 weeks.Anything more and I’d find a shotgun and blow my brains out.

London is a cosmopolitan city, with more bars and pubs that Cayman has churches (and that’s saying something).In London you have Soho, the capitals gay capital;.in Cayman they’re incredibly homophobic it’s unbelievable.They once turned down a cruise ship that catered for gays and lesbians.The Cayman Islands government refused to let the ship dock in its harbours and allow passengers into the islands. And the locals supported it.Despite thatCaymans main source of income is touristy, they turned down a ship with thousands of tourists on it, because they were gay, they’re more concerned about Homosexuality being wrong because in the bible it’s wrong that they lost out on making some income.Stupid if you ask me.

I’d rather live in London any day.It may be expensive, but at least there is more to do than go to the beach, go to stingray city etc etc.

Argh – this whole blog entry is a rant. 🙁

I’m just in a funny mood today, where everything is pissing me off and I just want to be in bed with sod all to do.