imagining

Every night before I go to sleep, I take 5 minutes to think about the very tiny baby-to-be (that I’ve nicknamed Flump) growing in my womb.

I wonder if Flump is a boy or a girl.

I wonder if Flump will be a big baby or a small baby.

I wonder if Flump will have lots of hair, or hardly any hair.

It’s inevitable that Flump will have brown eyes, like his/her daddy and mama.

I wonder how his/her hands will look in mine. How his/her feet will kick off the tiny socks I put on.

I imagine all of these things and so much more, so much that I fall asleep dreaming of this wonderful little baby that soon will be all ours.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve fallen unconditionally in love with this tiny being before I’ve met him/her.

 

 

The Pact

This morning I remember a teenaged pact I made when I was 16 with my best friend. We both made a pact that if we were both unmarried at 40 then we’d marry each other, because lets face it, gay marriage should be legal by then.

Fast forward 11 years and it’s likely our pact won’t ever need to be fulfilled. I’m married and she’s in a long term committed relationship that will most likely end in marriage.

However, at 16, I thought it’d take a long time for the government to allow same sex marriages. In many cases same sex marriage is legal and has been for quite some time. In other places not so much, and that’s a real shame.

People who love each other should be allowed to marry regardless of who they love or their sexuality. I for one fully support same sex marriages and believe everyone should be allowed the chance to marry whoever they like.

This week it was announced that Kim Kardashian was divorcing her husband of only 72 days. Her multi-million dollar wedding covered 2 tv shows and countless newspapers and magazines. what a shame that some people can throw a lavish wedding ceremony only to have their marriage dissolve in less than 3 months. Yet same sex couples who have been together for years on end aren’t allowed to marry.

Maybe that will have changed by the time I’m 40, if not hopefully before then. In the meantime keep campaigning. It will happen. One day.

Mood Swings and Roundabouts

As a woman, I’m prone to mood swings. That’s a fact. There is nothing rational about these moods, well not all the time anyway, that’s just how it is.
It’s the same for ALL women, and if you’re a woman saying “Not Me” or a man saying “Not my Wife/Girlfriend/Daughter” then you are a damn liar.

There are days where I’m happy. So fiercely happy that I physically want to jump for joy and laugh out loud and exclaim to all who will listen that I am so happy.

There are days where I am miserable. I have no interest in what you say or do. I could give a royal toss.

There are days when I’m sad. For no reason at all. Days where the slightest thing brings me to sobbing tears. Feeling like my heart is broken beyond repair.

There are days where I’m numb. I feel nothing. I’m blank. You could tell me the most heartfelt story and my face wouldn’t change.

There are days when I feel so full of love that I want to tell the world about all the people I love and why I love them.

There are days where I’m angry. So angry that I leak tears and physically shake. I’ll be silent with a face that could stop thunder in it’s tracks. Sometimes I’ll rant, stand on my soapbox and rave about the injustice and unfairness of a situation. Or send tweets in CAPS with lots of EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!

Then there’s days where I feel aggressive (which to be fair usually follows anger, but not always). White hot molten rage. Aggression, where I could quite easily become violent. Days where I’d like nothing more than to hold a club with spikes on the end and feel the weight of it as I smash it into someone, making them feel the pain I sometimes feel inside.

There are days when I feel annoyed. Absolutely everything annoys me. Even cute babies laughing annoy me.

There are times where one feeling quickly blends into another. Happiness into Anger. Sadness into Anger. Anger into Aggression. Aggression into Numbness. Sadness into Numbness. There are many variations.

These mood swings are felt by all women (and men too I suppose).

I keep telling myself they are normal feelings to experience, normal emotions to have in given situations. But sometimes I think I might just be a sociopath/bi-polar PMT mad woman who suffers from depression.

Either way, perhaps you just might want to stay on my good side from now on.

Oh! And Men, now the worst thing you can say to a woman with mood swings is “is it your time of the month?” or in fact make any suggestion that her mood swings are in any way, shape or form related to her “time of the month”. If you do happen to slip up then I can guarantee that you’ll be seeing her in the form of either “Anger” or “Aggression”, and you’ll be experiencing a rather sore and painful crotch.

Friendship

Have you ever stopped to think about how long you’ve been friends with your friends?

I don’t think of myself as old, after all I’m only 27 and that’s not very old at all. 95 is old. But when you look at your friendships and you realise how long you’ve had them then it really hits home.

My friend Sasha, I’ve been friends with her since I was 10. I am 27. That’s 17 years! Although we don’t live near enough to each other to visit on a regular basis, we keep in touch via email. She lives 7,000 odd miles away.

Then there’s my friend Angela and her sister Melody. We have been friends since I was 8. That’s 19 years!! Next year will be 20 years! 20!!!!! Saying you’ve had a friendship for 20 years absolutely astounds me. They live in Ohio and Colorado respectively, even further from London. I miss them dearly.

Toni, my first friend when I moved to London at the age of 12. 15 years ago. 15 years is a long time.

Then there is Kerry. We’ve been friends since we were 13. That 14 years. That’s more than half our lives.

Then there is Beth. I’ve been friend with Beth since I turned 18. Nearly 10 years. She’s one of my dearest friends.

These women have been my close friends for almost or more than half of my entire life and slowly but surely, over that time they have become more than my friends. They are family. They are my nearest and dearest.

There isn’t a day that goes by in my life as it is, that I don’t think of them.

Some of them are married, some have kids, some have bought houses, some have worked hard at their careers, but all of them have remained my friends and will do so until I die (which hopefully won’t be anytime soon!)

I can’t wait for the day when I can tell my kids/grand-kids about these women and how they’ve shaped my life and helped make me the woman I am today.

Girls, I love you all and I will be your friend always.