Refusing to Drown

For the last few weeks my depression has been up and down. Yeah, I said it, depression. I have it and it truly sucks.

For the last month my doctor has increased my meds, in fact it’s coming up to 6 weeks now and I feel no difference.

The last week or so I’ve been a bundle of emotions, and the stress hasn’t helped either. Stress from all angles.

I feel like I’m trying to hold on to about 12 wriggling kittens. I have to keep picking them up and bringing them back. No sooner have I retrieved one, another as escaped. 12 different events, emotions, feelings.

Everything is bubbling to the surface and I’m trying to keep it from flowing over, clawing back, trying to hold it all in a container that just isn’t big enough.

There are days where I want to scream. There are days when I want to lash out and really have a good punching session with a heavy bag.
There are days where everything is funny and amusing.
There are days where I feel constantly sad and emotional and everything makes me want to cry.
There are days where I feel numb.
Days. And days. And days.

Some people have the luxury of having regular therapy sessions. I don’t have that luxury, and to be fair there are very few people that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about my emotions and issues.

In fact only recently have I really opened up to my Doctor. Hence the med changes.

I need to pull it together. I need to stop being sad. I want to stop being sad. I have to stop being sad.

The sadness is drowning me. I don’t want to drown.

Depression isn’t going to win. I refuse to let it.

Mood Swings and Roundabouts

As a woman, I’m prone to mood swings. That’s a fact. There is nothing rational about these moods, well not all the time anyway, that’s just how it is.
It’s the same for ALL women, and if you’re a woman saying “Not Me” or a man saying “Not my Wife/Girlfriend/Daughter” then you are a damn liar.

There are days where I’m happy. So fiercely happy that I physically want to jump for joy and laugh out loud and exclaim to all who will listen that I am so happy.

There are days where I am miserable. I have no interest in what you say or do. I could give a royal toss.

There are days when I’m sad. For no reason at all. Days where the slightest thing brings me to sobbing tears. Feeling like my heart is broken beyond repair.

There are days where I’m numb. I feel nothing. I’m blank. You could tell me the most heartfelt story and my face wouldn’t change.

There are days when I feel so full of love that I want to tell the world about all the people I love and why I love them.

There are days where I’m angry. So angry that I leak tears and physically shake. I’ll be silent with a face that could stop thunder in it’s tracks. Sometimes I’ll rant, stand on my soapbox and rave about the injustice and unfairness of a situation. Or send tweets in CAPS with lots of EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!

Then there’s days where I feel aggressive (which to be fair usually follows anger, but not always). White hot molten rage. Aggression, where I could quite easily become violent. Days where I’d like nothing more than to hold a club with spikes on the end and feel the weight of it as I smash it into someone, making them feel the pain I sometimes feel inside.

There are days when I feel annoyed. Absolutely everything annoys me. Even cute babies laughing annoy me.

There are times where one feeling quickly blends into another. Happiness into Anger. Sadness into Anger. Anger into Aggression. Aggression into Numbness. Sadness into Numbness. There are many variations.

These mood swings are felt by all women (and men too I suppose).

I keep telling myself they are normal feelings to experience, normal emotions to have in given situations. But sometimes I think I might just be a sociopath/bi-polar PMT mad woman who suffers from depression.

Either way, perhaps you just might want to stay on my good side from now on.

Oh! And Men, now the worst thing you can say to a woman with mood swings is “is it your time of the month?” or in fact make any suggestion that her mood swings are in any way, shape or form related to her “time of the month”. If you do happen to slip up then I can guarantee that you’ll be seeing her in the form of either “Anger” or “Aggression”, and you’ll be experiencing a rather sore and painful crotch.