For the last few weeks my depression has been up and down. Yeah, I said it, depression. I have it and it truly sucks.
For the last month my doctor has increased my meds, in fact it’s coming up to 6 weeks now and I feel no difference.
The last week or so I’ve been a bundle of emotions, and the stress hasn’t helped either. Stress from all angles.
I feel like I’m trying to hold on to about 12 wriggling kittens. I have to keep picking them up and bringing them back. No sooner have I retrieved one, another as escaped. 12 different events, emotions, feelings.
Everything is bubbling to the surface and I’m trying to keep it from flowing over, clawing back, trying to hold it all in a container that just isn’t big enough.
There are days where I want to scream. There are days when I want to lash out and really have a good punching session with a heavy bag.
There are days where everything is funny and amusing.
There are days where I feel constantly sad and emotional and everything makes me want to cry.
There are days where I feel numb.
Days. And days. And days.
Some people have the luxury of having regular therapy sessions. I don’t have that luxury, and to be fair there are very few people that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about my emotions and issues.
In fact only recently have I really opened up to my Doctor. Hence the med changes.
I need to pull it together. I need to stop being sad. I want to stop being sad. I have to stop being sad.
The sadness is drowning me. I don’t want to drown.
Depression isn’t going to win. I refuse to let it.