Two Down

Two days done, three to go.
It’s been hard and easy at the same time.

Hard to leave Emma, yesterday I cried.
Hard to be back in a job that previously caused me a lot of problems.
Hard because standing for 7 hours straight doesn’t help my sciatica at all and by the end of the day walking is hard.
Easy because its busy and the time passes quickly.
Easy because I’ve grown as a person and I’m able to ignore pettiness and just get on with my tasks.

Three days left of my first week back.

Days where I’m already counting the minutes at 05:59 and I’m racing home at 13:29.

Days where I’m back to mumbling, is it Friday yet?

Business Bingo

In the business world, you often hear people come up with stupid sayings. Why can’t people just use plain English? Apparently people use these stupid sayings as a way of “expert” talk, but really I think it’s just a way to out-vocab everyone and try to make others feel a bit stupid.
I once got told “It’s like French or German – just a different language, not designed to make feel you feel stupid – just designed to be spoken between peeps who speak the same language”

Here are a few phrases you may come across in the business world and what it basically means.
A good idea is to put them all in a grid and cross them off as they come up during a meeting. If you get a line or even a full house, shout BINGO. It’s probably a good idea to have an idea floating around that’s relevant (and new) to your meeting, so that you can at least share the idea once you’ve made an arse out of yourself.

1. Spiky chair treatment – when you’re in front of your boss, who’s giving you a hard time, and you can sit still.
2. Blue Sky Thinking – clear free thinking
3. Scope creep – where you’ve been asked to do something specific and you just do what you like instead.
4. Ready- Fire- Aim! – doing something without thinking it through.
5. I hear what you say and I share your concerns – stop rabbiting on, i get it
6. Thought showers – being inundated with ideas.) Apparently using “brain storming” is unPC
7. You can’t educate pork – I’m clever, you’re stupid cause you don’t understand my Point of View.
8. Quick and dirty – someone asks you for some detailed information but wants it RIGHT NOW.
9. Open door policy – what managers say to make everyone like them.
10. A sunset thought – you’re in a meeting and someone says “just one last thing”
11. Let’s put that in the lift and see what floor it stops at – having an idea and wanting to find out what others think of it.
12. Putting rocks on the runway – where someone is doing their best to make problems for you.
13. Wet towel around the head – too many ideas and thinking too hard and stressing.
14. Violently agree – agreeing whilst shaking your fist and looking cross.
15. Eating the elephant – taking a really big problem and slowly resolving it.
16. Corporate disobedience – going against your companies values and behaviours
17. Let me be candid – being clear and open about something.
18. That’s just fish and chips – really basic stuff
19. Hammer that home – really making a point
20. Employee engagement – getting everyone to agree with you
21. Seagulling – you know where a seagull harasses you for your stuff, invades your personal space, then shits all over you? THAT.
22. It’s a gnats cock – a problem that’s really small.
23. Put down the acid on them – really making things uncomfortable for someone.
24. Let’s run that up the flagpole and see who salutes it – see #11
25. “I smell a rabbit!” – the alternative to “i smell a rat”
26. Let’s get interactive on it – communicating a idea or process to a large volume of people.
27. Testiculating – waving your arms about whilst talking bollocks
28. Corporate DNA – a company’s image.
29. Copy with pride – taking someone else’s good idea and implementing it for your own use.
30. Management intelligence – information that management may have about their business or staff.
31. Coalescing out of the ether – where you’re in a meeting and everyone gives a few ideas.
32. Helicopter View – looking down on everyone or getting the “big picture”
33. Active Inertia – looking like you’re really busy when in fact you’re actually doing sod all.
34. Management Tourism – where a manager visits some exotic location in the name of work.

A little less conversation….

Occasionally at work we have discussions. Not particularly work related discussions, because when you’re at work it’s not always about doing work, not all of the time anyway. In fact you really shouldn’t work all of the time whilst you are at work cause it’s not good for your health. You need to have conversation. Conversations with colleagues about non-work stuff is called team bonding. Team bonding is good apparently. It aids productivity (or it may do, I haven’t actually researched this stuff, cause that’d be like work)

Anyway. Non-work related conversations/discussions are good.

Today we had a pretty philosophical and theological conversation about Sharia Law in Saudi Arabia (and other countries) vs. Human Rights, and whether the two could go hand in hand. I pretty much stayed out of this conversation, because I’d have likely offended someone or put my foot in my mouth or both. The conversation tailed off and we all got back to work.

A colleague came back from a late lunch, and I happened to ask what he had, his reply, “a couple of glasses of Shiraz and a good steak!” which is not possible and totally made as a joke, because everyone who works in my industry knows that we have a very strict no alcohol policy.

At this comment, another colleague asks “so would you get stoned if you drank” to which the colleague opposite me says “yeah, probably” and the colleague back from lunch pipes up “but getting stoned is fun!” Wrong kind of getting stoned….

At which point he then asks, “Why do they use smaller stones? Why not just throw one big stone?”

In my head I know have an image of someone standing in front of a building that is set for demolition, whilst they are hit with a wrecking ball. And I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but laugh.

Perhaps conversation/discussion about non-work related stuff doesn’t make teams more productive. As Elvis’s teacher used to say “A little less conversation, a little more work”, ok so that’s a lie, but you get my drift!

Doing the Be-Bop

When I walk to the train station in the morning, I do it on autopilot. It’s automatic, the route I take, I barely notice anything around me. The moment I leave the house, the headphones go in, spotify is loaded and off I go.

Being on autopilot means a lot of things, one of them being that I don’t really pay attention to my surroundings. I mean I watch out for traffic, pay attention to traffic lights etc, but when the music is on then I’m in my own world.

I can play through things in my head, think things through, become creative with ideas for creative writing, use my imagination and just, generally, go with the flow of the music.

It’s what I do every single morning, and evening. This morning? No exceptions.

Th music was on, I was in a world of my own, thinking about BlogHer and planning my (eventual) trip for 2 years time. In my mind hoping that it’s in LA or somewhere close to LA, so that I could go to LA Ink and be drawn on by Kat VonD.
So I’m walking, listening, dreaming and the Fun Loving Criminals comes on. They’re brilliant. (sometimes when something awesome comes on I’ll get a bit carried away). The song? The Fun Loving Criminals. Just aces.
What do I do? I start doing some weird dance/funky walking/bopping along.
Turns out there was a guy walking behind me (who I didn’t even notice). We got to the traffic lights, he passes me, laughing. Only then did I realise what I was doing…. He turns back to me, smiles and carries on walking.

I made someone’s day. Hope he writes about me on, but I doubt it.
He’ll probably go to work and tell his colleagues about the weird woman dancing down the high street.

Life would be so much better (and awesomer) if we all broke into a song and dance on occasion. Like real world musicals.

One Week Down

Today I completed my first week in my new job, and I must say that I rather enjoyed myself!

It was a busy week but it was still brilliant.
Excel is my new best friend so it seems. But only when it has pretty colours.

Next week is going to be even busier and I can’t wait to embrace it.

It’s possible that I’m mental. Most people complain about their jobs, I quite like mine.